Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Five Love Languages review

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I just recently finished reading this amazing book, by Dr. Gary Chapman. I wanted to share an overview of the book and review.

In his many years of counseling, Dr. Chapman was finally able to put words to all the difficulties that many couples face during their marriage. He discovered that every person on the planet has, what he calls, a "love tank". Your love tank is simply a measurement of how "loved" you or your spouse is feeling. A full love tank indicates a fully emotionally complete relationship. An empty love tank indicates lack of feeling loved, and many times ends up preceding fights, unhappy couples, and even divorce.

There are five languages that everyone speaks. These languages pull at one's heart and without these, a person may emotionally die. They are:
  • Words of Affirmation
  • Physical Touch
  • Acts of Service
  • Quality Time
  • Gifts
Each person finds that one or more of these are ESSENTIAL in their relationships. I will give a brief overview of each language.

  1. Words of Affirmation: compliments, encouragement, positive comments directed towards the building of another person. People with this language are often found giving compliments to others, and are totally satisfied when they are given a compliment. These people require such phrases as "wow, I really appreciate you washing the dishes tonight", or "you are such an amazing speaker." They require "pick me up" words to build their self-esteem and confidence. One of Brian's primary languages is Words of Affirmation. He requires to be pumped up by my compliments and comments.
  2. Physical Touch: hugs, kisses, sexual intercourse. These people require physical touch to feel loved. Anything from a simple hug, all the way to a full blown night of very intimate action. All the positive words in the world don't mean anything to someone who lives for touch. I definitely speak the language Physical Touch. I have to have small caresses and tight squeezes to keep me feeling loved.
  3. Acts of Service: taking out the trash, paying the bills, making the phone calls, cooking dinner. Acts of service are any action that requires effort on one person's part in order to help the other person. People who require acts of service often appreciate small things such as clean sheets, a vacuumed floor, or the mail on the counter. Again, Brian finds that Acts of Service keep his love tank full, so I make sure I'm asking him often, "what can I do to help you today?" and make sure I do my best to make his lunch, have dinner ready in the evening, and do extra little things to surprise him.
  4. Quality Time: Just as it sounds-- time spent together. This does not necessarily mean sitting on the couch, watching a movie. It may, but it usually includes time spent as a couple, doing something fun, PAYING TOTAL ATTENTION TO YOUR SPOUSE. Talking face to face. Eye contact. For Brian and I, watching a movie on the couch DOES in fact count towards my very important requirement of quality time. However, we also do have dinners together, talk about our days, and spend time listening to each other. For many, quality time is spending a day in the mountains, sitting on a hillside together, and sharing hearts. For others, it might be a hectic and busy day in the city together.
  5. Gifts: Any act of giving to "gifts" people is a love tank filler. They are the people that still have the terrible little ripped up paper card, given to them by their children 19 years ago. These gifts to not have to be expensive or huge. Many times, it's the small things that count. If you spouse speaks this language, it's important to provide heart-felt gifts frequently. Leaving a small note on the pillow next to her, coming home with a single rose, or providing a small keepsake from your business trip are all great ideas in this category. Spouses who forget a birthday or anniversary or who never give gifts to someone who truly enjoys gift giving will find themselves with a spouse who feels neglected and unloved.
Many issues arise in marriages when one person is "doing everything they can to make him/her happy, but it's just not working". This is mainly because while one spouse may speak Acts of Service, and be contently washing dishes and vaccuuming, his/her spouse may speak Physical Touch, so the "acts of service" provided mean little or nothing to him/her. We have to learn to speak our spouses language, and learn to ACT ON IT, in order to provide the proper nourishment our spouse requires.

1 comment:

  1. Very interesting! I think I am going to get this book tomorrow.

    Is it possible to be all of them? Because I think I am lol maybe I expect too much.

    Thanks for posting this!

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